By Joe Infurnari
Here we are at last, the final post in the Before Time F*cker series. Up until now, all of the hypothetical graphic novel proposals that I developed here never went any further than a cover image and maybe a synopsis. With Time F*cker, the creation of the proposal was so much fun and had so much potential, that it had to be only the beginning.
The original story synopsis went as follows.
Ronnie Macaluso is a New Jersey native deep in the throes of a brutal mid-life crisis. The years have not been kind to poor Ronnie. With all of his glories now behind him and none of his dreams on the horizon, Ronnie’s lost his swagger. At age 40, he mostly staggers. While making his way to pick up lunch from the salumeria, Ronnie is deep in retrospective bliss when he’s rudely awaken by Gianni Gigolo whose reckless hosing down of the sidewalk has soaked Ronnie to the skin. “You muthafu-” barely passes Ronnie’s lips when he’s struck with an idea! Two ideas, actually. The first being that he’s always wanted to pork Gianni’s mom and the second being that if he could do her before Gianni was born, maybe the kid would have turned out alright. If only he had a time machine, Ronnie pined, he could kill two birds with one bone.
As amazing as that sounds, Ronnie’s too resigned to his failed life to either fantasize about Samantha Gigolo’s foxy ass or to dream of having a time machine. As consolation, he trudges his way to the Cozy Cooze Cumporium’s dumpster in search of some delete bin delicacies. But instead of outdated porn, Ronnie finds Thomas Edison’s fabled Peepshow Time Machine! Moistened by Gianni’s hose and his mom’s derriere, Ronnie hops on the time machine and zips back in time to take care of business!
Ronnie knew exactly what to do. He had all the necessary information to finally seduce and preemptively impregnate Samantha Gigolo. As revenge, Gianni’s genes would get a splash of Ronnie’s RNA! Mission accomplished he flits back to the present. Success! Gianni no longer splashes water all over Ronnie’s clothes but he’s too busy chatting up shopgirl Pina Lorda to make Ronnie’s sandwich! And so it was that every affront Ronnie avenged through time fucking only seemed to incur more affronts. As his list of names grew Ronnie was riding the time machine and many Jersey moms until he could no longer rise to the occasion of the overwhelming demand for genetic rejiggering. He had to explore the possibily of grandmothers, great grandmothers and even great great grandmothers to get more bang for his…bangs.
Eventually Ronnie had the idea that he would go so far back in time that he would seduce a female cro-magnon (a filly magnon as it were) and forever change the course of human history! Things didn’t go exactly as planned but Ronnie persevered and the deed was done. While sharing a cigarette with the missing link, it occurred to him that he had become a modern Prometheus offering life and a light to future generations. It was the only time during Ronnie’s adventures that the pheromone fog had cleared enough to see the larger significance of what he was doing. Ronnie was now father to all of humanity.
Upon his return to present day New Jersey, Ronnie was shocked and insulted! A race of sentient naked mole rats had inherited the Earth and his beloved New Jersey! The genetic material he had imparted to his Cro-Magnon mate just didn’t have the right stuff to survive in those difficult times. Sad and dejected, Ronnie hops back onto the time machine/peep show a Chrononaut to explore the furthest reaches of time and space to reclaim mankind’s grandeur through The Glorious Wormhole of Destiny!
There you have it; Time F*cker’s original cover and origin story! But that’s the past! Let’s look to the future!
I’ll be officially debuting the first Time F*cker story in print this weekend at SPX! Fans will want to snatch their own copy of this very limited edition of 300 books available in two formats; Standard and Deluxe. The standard version has the revised and final edit of “I’m Taking this Laying Down!” and the Deluxe ‘Black Sack’ version will have a copy of the book, a limited edition 1.25″ button (only 100 made!), an original inked sketch (each one unique!) all packaged in a discreet black ziploc bag! The Standard edition is limited to 200 copies while the Deluxe is limited to 100 copies.
Here is a scan of the book’s cover:
Now let’s take a look at the Deluxe ‘Black Sack’ Edition:
Each Deluxe Edition comes with an original ink sketch. Below is a sampling of some of the sketches:
Also included is a 1.25″ button that is also limited to an edition of 100. The button with custom card looks like this:
The book alone retails for $8.00 and the Deluxe Edition sells for $15.00. Considering the button and sketch incentives, I think you’ll agree that the Deluxe is hard to pass up!
But that’s not all! For those of you not going to SPX, both the book and the Deluxe set will be coming soon to the newly launching Time F*cker website, www.timefucker.com! Visitors to the site will see all the latest TF news and reviews as this project continues to grow!
More Before Time F*cker can be found here:
N.A.M.B.L.A. The Graphic Novel
The Happiness of Wonder-toe!
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